![]() Witch hates Ponies (we don’t blame her), and she employs her two less-evilish daughters to hatch a series of plans to make Pony Land dark, dank and dreary. I wouldn’t want to worry about sulfur fumes, ash bombs suffocating me in my sleep, and the very real possibility of boiling hot liquid magma erupting through my toilet as I did number two. I don’t know about you, but I have enough things to worry about with my home maintenance. This was perhaps the most fascinating aspect of the movie - not the witch, who falls into the standard “I’m evil and haven’t learned the value of hugs yet” stereotype - but the locale for her lair. While the Ponies engage in what seemed to be a 45-minute spring festival that consisted of the same things over and over - singing, tripping into pies, prancing around with their serfs - we switch over to the main villain, a witch who lives in the mouth of an active volcano. Mordor had nothing on the Little Ponies, when you think about it. There is no possible way they could have built homes, manufactured furniture and clothing and makeup, and constructed a castle without brutally forcing animals with fingers and lower body masses to do their bidding. Don’t believe me? Think on this, because I sure did: Ponies have only stubby hooves and mouths to manipulate things with. What we have is Pony Kingdom, one of those happy-go-lucky places where the upper class of Little Ponies rule from their bright pink castle and dominate the local forest critters, who are essentially slave labor. This film is insulting to intelligent minds of any age. By minute five, I felt amazed that any female who grew up in the ’80s managed to stay out of asylums. Whatever campy fun I thought I was going to get out of this film evaporated into a cloud of screams and misery by minute three. And tattoos of ice cream cones on their butts.” Did you really write that? Think Care Bears with angry rainbows. But it’s okay, because life goes on with the Smooze. Due to the mind-numbing nature of this film and her drowsiness, this is what she dictated to me: Moving on to the My Little Pony: The Movie proper, I asked my wife to share with us a brief summary. I guess it worked, because My Little Ponies outsold Barbie dolls at one point in that decade. I never quite got the whole “tattoo” thing it was mainly to help you tell these things apart, yet the ponies had odd things like sunglasses and ice cream cones inked into their flesh. Joe, Garbage Pail Kids - girls were bombarded with an equal amount of pastel pleasure: Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, She-Ra and, of course, My Little Pony.Īs far as I can tell, My Little Pony capitalized on the odd fascination some have for big dumb smelly horses, shrinking them down to a more manageable 4″ size and decking them out with rainbow colors, unicorn horns, wings, brushable tails and tattoos on their rumps. While we at Mutant Reviewers have mainly focused on the male side of this phenomenon - Transformers, G.I. We all know that the ’80s witnessed a massive boom of toy sales due to the discovered synergy between half-hour commercials known as “cartoons” and their $7.99 plastic counterparts at Toys ‘R Us. For the sake of our marriage, she complied.Ī little Pony background before I touch on the movie. I believe I used the phrase “It’ll be FUN!” coupled with a manic, desperate smile and a bead of sweat trailing down my forehead. My next step was to ensure that I had a modicum of excuse to present to you all, so I begged and pleaded with my wife to take the fall with me. “ My Little Pony,” it computes, “Followed by Jacob’s Ladder? What kind of sicko is this guy?” I think Netflix really despises my movie selections, as it can never figure out what to recommend to me next. Who am I to argue with the dark lord of the Sith? So I moved Al over to The Joy Luck Club and I queued up Netflix for another hit in its groin. “Justin, you KNOW you want to review this. And before I can start cutting and pasting graphics, a little demented voice in my head goes: ![]() So I’m sitting at my computer on March 31st, trying to think of the girliest movie to post as a fake front page link for Al to “review.” I go through several iterations - How Stella Got Her Groove Back, The First Wives Club, Crossroads - and then I muse that there has to be a My Little Pony movie somewhere. Justin’s rating: My Little Pony 2: The Glue Factory “Ponyland is turning dark, dank, and dreary! The little ponies are doomed!”
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